the library · love & limerence
how to know it’s not love, in 76 seconds
the fastest test for love vs limerence: does the feeling survive certainty, or need the ache?
watch on youtube ↗ read: love vs limerence →
the short version
- love gets stronger with security; limerence gets stronger with uncertainty
- run the “imagine they’re certain about you” test
- a clear rejection can feel like relief, that’s the tell
full transcript
If you're always wondering whether they actually like you, that's not love. That's just stress. If you feel like you need to be funnier or prettier for them to stay, that's not love. That's you trying to be someone that you're not to entertain someone.
If the best part of your relationship is when they finally text back or when they finally say something nice, that's just not love. That's obsession. That's them playing with your emotions without even knowing. The pain stopping is not the same as being happy.
If you feel tired all the time from trying to keep them interested, that's not love. That's work and you're not even getting thanked for. I'm asexual and I don't feel the physical pull towards people. So, I cannot rely on butterflies or sexual attraction to tell me what's love.
And what I found is that love is insanely easy. It's very quiet. Love is when you say something weird and they don't look at you funny. Love is when you feel like the worst day of your life, you feel sick, you look disgusting, and they still stay and take care of you.
Love is when they see the real you, the version of you that has zero filters anymore, and they still like it as much as the other versions of you. If it feels like you're always trying to prove something, that's not love. If you feel like you're building something special together and it's a better place than it was when you were alone, you're seeing a future together, everything you can breathe, and you don't have to think about anything that you're saying, that might be love. Stop running after people who make you anxious.
Start paying attention to the ones that make you feel like yourself.
before you go
there’s a written version, and it goes deeper.
the essay takes this apart with the research under it. the card is yours to keep. and one letter a week, the word for a feeling you’ve had but couldn’t name.
read: love vs limerence → the love vs limerence workbook →
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