free · a workbook
deeper questions to feel closer to someone
free, in three rounds.
free, no wall, no catch. fill it in on the page in your browser, or print it and write by hand.
in 1997 a group of psychologists had strangers take turns answering questions that got more personal as they went, and they ended up far closer than people who made small talk. it did not make them fall in love. it made them close. here is my own set, built the same way, for you and one other person.
what you’ll work through
- what did you change your mind about this year, and what changed it? round one stays on the outside of your life. easy to answer, and still more than how was your day.
- what is a small, boring part of your week you would miss if it went? the answer tells you what someone’s ordinary life is made of.
- who made you laugh most recently, and what did they do? a real person and a real moment, not a type of humour.
- what are you good at that nobody asks you about? everybody has one, and it is usually something they are proud of in private.
- tell me one thing that happened this month. then tell me what it did to you. round two moves from what happened to how it felt. that is the move that makes people closer.
- who was there the first time something big happened to you, and do you still talk to them? this is the person who knows the story without the preamble.
- what do you want more of from the people in your life, and have not asked for? say the thing, even if it sounds small.
- when did you last feel understood exactly right, and what did the other person say? pay attention to what they did, because it is probably what they want from you too.
- what do you believe about yourself that you have not said out loud to anyone? round three is the accurate version. answer only as far as you want to.
- what do you think i have slightly wrong about you? close people are more sure they understand each other than they actually are. this is where you check.
- what would you be scared i would think less of you for? when they answer, the only job is to stay.
- what have you noticed about me that you have never told me? end on something the other person gets to keep.
the the deeper questions card is the start. the rest is one letter a week, the word for one feeling you’ve had but couldn’t name.
more free cards
- the seven kinds of attraction. the whole map, on one page.
- love, or limerence? the fastest way to tell the real thing from the state that only feels like it.
- the friend crush. yes, it is real.
- am i asexual? a calm, no-pressure primer you write on.
- love, or just comfort? the two look identical from the outside and feel completely different from the inside.
- known, or just familiar? most of the people in your life recognise you.
- the spark, or the pattern? the pull you keep calling chemistry is often just recognition.
- the room test. six things that do not look like abuse, and the one question that checks all of them.
- the romantic dial. romantic attraction described with the sexual part taken out, and the four things that get mistaken for it.
- what to hand over. the one-page worksheet for deciding which half of your work an AI should do, and which half stays yours.
- the sentences. what to actually say to a friend when you want them to know what they are to you.
- the seven kinds of crush. one word for seven different experiences, which is why it feels ambiguous.
- you do not need a new you. a landmark starts a thing and cannot sustain it, and those are two different jobs.
- tell me about a time you felt most loved. the question that replaces the love languages quiz.