is it the spark, or is it your pattern?
free, on one page.

what you’ll work through

1. notice how the spark arrives. when the pull hits, what does your body actually do? a jumpy stomach, a checked phone, a slight bracing: that is your nervous system on alert, and alertness is not the same as attraction. ease, curiosity, a settled kind of interest reads flatter and is far more often the real thing.
2. check whether calm reads as boring. think of someone kind, consistent and genuinely available who you felt nothing for. now be honest about the reason. if the word that comes up is boring, that is worth sitting with, because boring is often just what peace feels like to a nervous system that never learned to trust it.
3. trace the type back. line up the last three or four people you fell hard for and look for the shared trait. not hair or height, the emotional one: distant, unpredictable, hard to please, needing rescue. now ask where you met that trait first, long before any of them.
4. run the consistency test. imagine they became completely reliable tomorrow. always texts back, never withdraws, no hot and cold, nothing to decode. would you still want them? if the answer is a quiet no, the pull was never them. it was the gap they left for you to chase.
5. practise tolerating peace. you cannot think your way out of this, you can only get more hours of evidence. stay in the calm thing slightly longer than is comfortable. let the flat feeling be flat. safety registers as boring right up until the moment it starts registering as safe, and that switch takes repetition, not insight.