free · a workbook
is it the spark, or is it your pattern?
free, on one page.
the pull you keep calling chemistry is often recognition, not compatibility. here are the five questions i use to tell whether i want the person or the feeling, plus room to answer honestly.
free, no wall, no catch. fill it in on the page in your browser, or print it and write by hand.
what you’ll work through
- notice how the spark arrives. when the pull hits, what does your body actually do? a jumpy stomach, a checked phone, a slight bracing: that is your nervous system on alert, and alertness is not the same as attraction. ease, curiosity, a settled kind of interest reads flatter and is far more often the real thing.
- check whether calm reads as boring. think of someone kind, consistent and genuinely available who you felt nothing for. now be honest about the reason. if the word that comes up is boring, that is worth sitting with, because boring is often just what peace feels like to a nervous system that never learned to trust it.
- trace the type back. line up the last three or four people you fell hard for and look for the shared trait. not hair or height, the emotional one: distant, unpredictable, hard to please, needing rescue. now ask where you met that trait first, long before any of them.
- run the consistency test. imagine they became completely reliable tomorrow. always texts back, never withdraws, no hot and cold, nothing to decode. would you still want them? if the answer is a quiet no, the pull was never them. it was the gap they left for you to chase.
- practise tolerating peace. you cannot think your way out of this, you can only get more hours of evidence. stay in the calm thing slightly longer than is comfortable. let the flat feeling be flat. safety registers as boring right up until the moment it starts registering as safe, and that switch takes repetition, not insight.
want the rest?
one letter a week.
the the spark, or the pattern card is the start. the rest is a letter a week: the word for one feeling you’ve had but couldn’t name, as i find them. if that sounds like your kind of thing, come sit with us.
no pressure, no spam, no gatekeeping. come see if it clicks. and if it doesn’t, that’s okay too.
more free cards
- the seven kinds of attraction. the whole map, on one page.
- love, or limerence?. the fastest way to tell the real thing from the state that only feels like it.
- the friend crush. yes, it is real.
- am i asexual?. a calm, no-pressure primer you write on.
- love, or just comfort?. the two look identical from the outside and feel completely different from the inside.
- known, or just familiar?. most of the people in your life recognise you.
- the room test. six things that do not look like abuse, and the one question that checks all of them.
- the romantic dial. romantic attraction described with the sexual part taken out, and the four things that get mistaken for it.