am i asexual or is there just something wrong with me

I feel like I'm making an asexual video every year and every time I have so much to talk about. But now specifically I have so much to talk about. I want to talk about so much. Like it's so under discussed on the internet.

It's actually kind of insane and a lot of people are asexual and are becoming asexual and a lot of people are on the spectrum without even knowing that they're on the spectrum. I feel like especially women. So, yeah, let's talk about it. So, I have some sort of a structure >> >> but I don't really have a structure because I feel like this is one of the videos where I just want to sit with talk about things and like please comment your reactions and thoughts and experiences because this is what's going to make the community and the internet presence of asexuality better and better.

Okay, so I first want to talk about like how I even started thinking that I'm asexual and I feel like this is the moment where most people are when they search for asexuality content. I first started to suspect I was asexual very late, like maybe I was 16 or 17 and I know a lot of people are way later than me, but for me it was late because I used to have a lot of relationships in middle school and like beginning of high school and all of those relationships were kind of weird because I would break up with the person the moment they wanted something more from me and I didn't really trace it back to what it was surely was. I was just thinking that oh, I'm not yet prepared to have these sexual interactions or I don't want to be with someone that within 2 weeks they will already be asking for sexual interactions. But mind you, it wasn't only sexual interactions.

Like if someone tried to kiss me, I would break up with them. Like it was like very extreme because I just didn't want to do it and I was kind of disgusted by it and although things kind of changed and evolved over time and now I'm like more open to more things, especially kissing. Like I'm very open to kissing now, but when I was like in middle school as an asexual person that did not know she was asexual, I just thought everything was disgusting. Like I wouldn't even watch movies that had sexual interactions or like kissing scenes in them.

Like I would just skip over. Like I swear to God, even when I would be watching it with my friends, I would be asking to skip over if I was controlling the computer when I was in middle school. So, I think there was so many different things that I was doing that people didn't really understand. I also didn't really understand pornography.

I had a lot of guy friends and I knew that they were like watching pornography and they were talking about like sexual parts all the time and I didn't really understand why they would even do that and I just thought it's just like the stupid boys things. I don't know. Which honestly in retrospect it is it is a stupid boy thing. But yeah, I never really thought that it was a me problem.

I just thought it was like either a context problem problem, a relationship problem, I didn't like them enough. So, I never really pointed the like arrow to what is happening inside um and like of my brain, of my body, things like that. After I had a lot of relationships, I realized that okay, definitely something is not working specifically because a lot of my friends had like very long-term relationships and they were spending time over like overnight. Their relationships were growing and growing especially in high school and my relationships were pretty much ending the moment that the growth in terms of like what society expects us to have as a relationship was like just cut off because I was just like bye-bye.

You want something to do with my body, bye-bye. Honestly, I'm kind of like well, I'm not pitying all of them, but I'm pitying some of them because I do think a lot of them thought it was their fault. At least I can name like three of my past relationships that I think they thought it was their fault at the time and I kind of feel bad for them cuz it wasn't. But yeah, I hope they see this video honestly.

So, when I entered high school, everything was going too fast with my friends relationships and so I just decided to not like anyone. So, because for me it's quite easy to not like people. Like if you're asexual, you probably relate to this because it's not like I don't like people, it's just that I don't have like actual physical attraction or sexual attraction towards someone. So, usually it's like a mental attraction.

And although I can get very obsessed with those mental attractions, I can also satisfy a lot of my needs by reading a book. Scenarios with these people, but like the scenarios would be me talking to them under the moonlight, like things like that. And honestly, the moment that I realized that they're not like me and they don't have my I thought it was morals at that time. It's not morals.

I was not religious. I was not trying to like wait till marriage or anything like that. There wasn't anything that was stopping me from anything. But I just decided that I cannot match with people my age because they're either immature or like whatever.

Which has some truth, honestly. I feel like it wasn't only the sexual part that made me want to not have any relationships. I did used to have crushes, but I just never acted on them. And I'm pretty sure that some of the crushes liked me back, but I was just keeping it like I was having fun.

Like honestly, I was like playing with them ish. Like I wasn't really acting up on anything. And then I discovered the term bisexuality and I was like, okay, sure. Yeah, this is what I am.

And I think I found it out maybe on YouTube or maybe like in a book. I don't know. I just remember everything that they were saying, it was just so well fitted to my experience that I was like, okay, yeah, this is what I'm going to tell people from now on. But even after I learned this term, I didn't really want to be in a relationships anymore because I realized that there's a very fundamental big thing that is different from my experience and what I want and need from a relationship and for most people.

I was not straight, like I was exploring relationships with women, too. But I don't know. I was like, you know what? I don't have the physical needs that people have, so I don't really need to attach myself to someone.

And I did start telling everyone this. Like literally everyone. Like everyone that was around me knew I was asexual because I feel like again, it's such a big difference from most people. Even if I like liked someone or like someone liked me, I usually used asexuality against them so that I wouldn't get in a relationship with them.

So I'd be like, oh, I'm asexual. I don't think it would work out for us. And they would usually agree. Which I mean, fair.

But still, my family doesn't know. I think. I mean, maybe they know, but they just don't understand it because again, I just didn't really have any relationship that I told them about like before the relationship I'm currently in. So, I bet they were questioning why their 19-year-old daughter never had a crush that is serious enough for my family to know.

And I was quite open with my family about things, right? I don't think like the Romanian culture is quite harsh to be asexual in because I feel like there's such a big sexuality focus and push on it. I feel like it's also common for people to be afraid of sexuality in Romania, especially women, because I feel like we're taught from a very young age that sexual life is I mean, I wasn't, but I know a lot of people who were. And I know a lot of people have these barriers in the Romanian culture as to what sexual life is and should be.

And I think a lot of people are also scared of it. Because And honestly, I feel like it goes back to our literature and our what parents taught what parents teach us and what the news teach us because literally every conversation in Romania is about rape when it comes to sexual life. And like sexual abuse and I don't know, even physical abuse in relationships. So, of course you would be careful who you share that part of your life with.

Um I don't know how much that impacted me, honestly. I think I think for me it was like not only that. I think it there were so many things that impacted my sexuality. A lot of it is also biological.

If you're questioning if you're asexual or not, you should look at your country and what kind of things about sexual life you've been inheriting because I feel like it has a big impact. Okay, so >> >> I kind of want to talk about my relationship now because I feel like I haven't really openly talked about relationships in an asexual relationship, which uh because my boyfriend is not asexual. But I'm not going to go into all detail and no filters as I usually go because he's not here and I don't want to say things that make him uncomfortable. So, we met at university actually in the first week of university, but he had a girlfriend at that time.

So, yeah, we were just super good friends, like basically best friends. I also never thought about anything because I was like kind of giving up on relationships by that point because I haven't had relationships in like 3 to 4 years by like when I entered like in my freshman year of uni. And so we were just like super super close friends. We're doing a lot of things together.

We were running together in San Francisco. And then he invited me to like organize kind of a camp in Japan. And I really wanted to go to the Japan so I said yes. And we were again super close friends.

And then some other friends came to that camp so it wasn't just the two of us. And yeah, everything went well. After the camp I stayed in his grandparents' house for a while to like visit Tokyo because his grandparents live in Tokyo. And he was also there quite a lot of the time.

So during that time we spent a lot of time. And we just like were talking a lot and I was actually helping him with his relationship that was kind of falling apart basically because they were doing long distance for like a year and they weren't really talking to each other. So then one day we were kind of talking about what we wanted in a relationship. And I also went to Japan with the thought that I'm going to get an anime boyfriend.

I was kind of jokingly saying it but like the fact that it happened is kind of funny. But yeah, one day we just were we were on the beach actually in Chiba next to Tokyo. We were talking about life and relationships and love and whatever whatever and then we looked at each other and we were like, "Huh, are we feeling something for each other?" And I swear to God before that moment I didn't feel anything or like I wasn't aware I was feeling anything.

I was definitely not acting on anything. And same with him like we were not. And then that moment we kind of like it kind of clicks and we were like, "Huh, interesting interesting." And then he broke up with his girlfriend and we started like exploring the relationship.

But an important thing that I want to mention here is that well, we've been together for 2 years so it's quite like a long time like almost 2 years. He knew I was asexual from like the moment we became friends. It was like one of the conversations that we had. And then when I went to Japan it was also like a big conversation that we had even before we like liked each other.

So he knew more than he needed to know about my asexuality. And I think this is the reason why the relationship then grew like in a very communicative space. And I highly recommend, like this is not related to asexuality at all, but this is the first relationship that lasted longer for me, and I think it's such a healthy relationship because we started with such an open communication because we were friends first. And yeah, this like movement from friendship to relationship, I feel like it's one of the best ways to get into a relationship because if you just get into a relationship right away, the chances of you being super open in communication are very low because you start by being kind of fake to each other.

Or in any case, it will take more effort and more time. For us, it kind of started from day one. Even on the first date, we were talking about how we're going to deal with the like asexuality sexuality problem because it was kind of a problem. Like we we realized that from the moment we kind of started dating.

Just having this conversation, if you are a sexual and want to get into a relationship, having this conversation the first time you meet or like the second time you meet after you know you like this person is so important in my opinion because otherwise everything can fall apart. Like you can be defensive, the person can be not understanding you. So like having this conversation with the person will understand you and then you will understand them because I think it's also hard for us asexual people to understand the other side. Like I still don't fully understand sexual people.

There's so many things that I don't understand why is it a need. Like in my head, it's an act, like anything sexual, it's an act to get children. Why do you want children when you're 19 or 20? I know I know it's not.

Like I I'm aware, but like my my understanding of the sexual world is that the main reason it's there and the main reason it's so pleasurable, it's because we need to reproduce. This is a fact. So I cannot even get my head around like why this would be like something that you do for pleasure, but anyway, it's fine. Now I think I understand better.

But especially in the beginning of this relationship in which I learned a lot about the other side of the world, the 99% of the world, the thing that surprised me the most, I think in the relationship, was how easy it can actually be to like communicate your needs and how easy it is to find alternatives. Again, I'm not going to go into a lot of details, but the moment that you start communicating a lot and if the person is like kind and you found like basically a very good person for you, a very good match, and they're open-minded, and it's so easy to find alternatives for anything. And this doesn't really only go with sexual activity, it can go with anything. Like it can go with alternatives in lifestyles, it can go with things that you're not necessarily compatible on because there those will be things, but if you're mostly compatible with that person and there's small things or like even big things, but a few things that you're not compatible on, communication will solve that so easily.

And being able to be super communicative with that person is so important. And if you're not able to, I think that relationship would not be okay. And if it lasts long, it's probably not going to be healthy. And I say that from experience and from what I've seen around me, too.

Also, another thing that was weird for me, and this probably is not like common. I don't know how common this is. I'm actually curious like so if you're asexual, please tell me. I don't mind cheating or like cheating for me is very different from uh like a normal person or like the I don't know because I've seen so many like green flag, red flag kind of videos.

And for example, cheating for me is purely emotional and mental. If there's physical cheating that is involved, so like if my boyfriend goes and like cheats with some random person for one night and then he talks to her again, I will not really care. But as long as he tells me and of course as long as like there's like open communication about it and like likely the best way to deal with this is like tell me before. But if he starts like, I don't know, getting connected with other people and like flirting with other people and like starting to evolve romantic feelings towards other people, not necessarily sexual feelings, and for me those are so different.

Like they're so separate in my mind. And I know this is also kind of weird for not asexual people. The romantic feelings I will mind, but the sexual feelings I won't really. So, now I really want to talk about asexuality as a whole.

And I don't know, misconceptions, things I've learned. In my perspective, asexuality is just not having sexual attraction towards people. Depending on where you are on the spectrum, your relationship to sexual activity can be different. Asexuality is not celibacy, it's not low libido, although it can be.

It's not a trauma response. Again, although it can be, but most of the cases it's not. It's not late blooming. I'm 20 2022, and I still haven't had a sexual thought in my life.

There's a big difference between asexual and aromantic, and you can be both, but for example, I'm not both. Like, I'm just asexual. And, asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, and then aromantic is kind of the lack of romantic attraction. I cannot speak for aromantic people, but I had a friend who's aromantic.

She didn't care about all of the flowers and dates and chocolates and movie nights and whatever. It's quite interesting, an interesting way to live life. What you need from relationships, if you even need relationships, is very very different. I feel like the reason why it's so important to talk about asexuality is because I feel like one of the reasons why it's so important to talk about this is like, we have this compulsory sexuality problem in everywhere, basically.

It doesn't really The society we live in doesn't really allow us to be asexual or choose to be asexual. I feel like every assumption of every relationship is that you're going to have sexual activity in that relationship. And, although for most people that applies, I feel like there's so many different ways a relationship can be and grow and develop into. So, you don't really need to force yourself to things that you're not necessarily comfortable or like.

I heard women say that they are having sexual activity in their relationship because they think that's the cost they have to pay to be in a relationship, or that it's kind of something that you start liking after you do it a long time or not necessarily you start liking but you start like being neutral to it and not disliking. Of course I've heard women being absolutely obsessed with sex and loving sex and that's amazing for them. But I'm just saying that there's also this other part of experiencing sexual life that we haven't really accepted yet. I think if I were to tell my younger self something about asexuality is that I do not need to force myself to do anything that I'm not comfortable with or that I'm not interested in or that I don't feel the need to do just because everyone else is doing it.

I feel like I haven't been doing those things but I always beat myself up for not kind of wanting those things. Like I never really understood why I didn't want those things and although I generally thought it was a context problem I also deep down thought it was like I thought I was just different from everyone else because clearly everyone didn't have the morals and values that I had. Like this is what I was thinking. And a lot of people would also be I don't know if judging me is the word but would also think I'm like undeveloped, you know?

I feel like a lot of my friends didn't really understand me and honestly I don't think it's their fault. I think it was my fault because I didn't have the language to explain it to them especially when I was like in high school or earlier. But yeah, you don't need to force yourself to do anything. And the earlier you find the language to express your experience the better if it's the right language for you.

And you can create your own language too. You don't have to use asexuality as a word. You can create your own language for whatever experience you have. If you're watching then you're not asexual I think amazing.

Like yes, please understand us. It's so important to understand us because also I feel like you can learn a lot about the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction from asexual or aromantic people. I think for a lot of allosexual people they kind of take it together but for on the A spectrum it's like super super different. So and I think that's difference is very important in any relationship to understand and to talk about because they're different needs there, and if you just combine those needs or like just heavily go into one of the needs, then the relationship will again fall apart because you need both.

I hope you enjoyed this video. I hope you learned something from it. I realize this is so long, but if your attention span allowed you to watch the entire thing, thank you. I hope you got something away from it, and I hope no matter where you're on the spectrum, you understand the other side better or you understand yourself better.

If you liked this video, I'm sure you're going to like this playlist, too. Love you guys. Have a busy bee life. Kisses.

Bye-bye.