everything non-asexual people get wrong about asexuality

If you're watching this and you're not a sexual, and you experience sex or sexual attraction normally, you've never had to question your sexuality or if it exists or not, this video is for you because I'm a sexual and I feel like there's a lot of misconceptions about us and there's a lot of gaps of understanding both from us towards all sexual people and vice versa. And I really have spent years having the same conversation over and over again, so I kind of want to clarify it in one video. The first assumption that people make about asexuality is that it's missing something or that it's an absence of something else or that it's an absence of sexual attraction. Like everyone Like everyone is born with this attraction and then we're just not, so it's kind of like a factory defect.

And I think this framing is very wrong because it basically says that there's something wrong with us or kind of takes pity on us. A lot of people, when I tell them I'm a sexual, they're looking me with pity in their eyes because I just don't have something that brings pleasure and life to so many other people. A lot of the questions that I get are like, "Did you try to fix it?" or "Are you feel like you're missing out?"

and honestly, I feel like those are valid questions, but also wrong questions because our experience of life is not incomplete and a lot of those questions assume that. We don't feel incomplete. I walk around daily without ever thinking of sexual attraction at all or sexuality at all. This is part of being a sexual.

I just don't think about it at all. I don't feel a gap where the sexual attraction should be. I just feel like myself. It's literally like you not noticing the absence of a sixth finger.

You've never had one, so you have nothing to miss or feel the absence of. Your hand works perfectly fine with five fingers. You don't need a sixth one. I don't think asexuality is a subtraction from the human experience.

I think it's just a different configuration of how the human experience can be lived. Everything else is there. Love, connection, warmth, desire for closeness, it's just that the sexual attraction is not there. One specific type of attraction is missing, but there's so many other different types of attraction that you can feel.

And the absence of it doesn't really create a void, it more creates other opportunities for other types of attraction to unravel. And I think why it's so hard for other people to understand this is for a lot of people who are not asexual, everything is just mashed together because you just feel very intense emotions and hormones at the moment where you see the person that you like or like you see you get attracted to someone, right? For us, it's very separate and these feelings are very different. And we have the chance to notice those differences way more.

Another thing that people get wrong is that asexuality and aromantic are the same thing, and they're not. They're super different. Asexual means that you don't experience sexual attraction. Aromantic means you don't experience romantic attraction.

They're different systems of your brain that operate in very different ways and different needs that you need from a relationship, different wants and desires that you can have. I am asexual and romantic. So, I do fall in love with people. I really love romantic dates.

I love my boyfriend currently, and I see myself being in a relationship for a long time. I like the inside jokes, the midnight conversations, the cuddles, the dates, the feeling of wanting to be with this person forever, and the feeling that you're soulmates. I really, really want that, and I feel that. So, when I say I'm asexual, a lot of people assume that I don't want all of that and that because I am asexual, I cannot have access to all of those things, but you can.

And there's a lot of ways to connect with your asexuality or your partner's asexuality to create a relationship that is different from what society expects a relationship to be because honestly, there's no way a relationship can be the same for every single two humans, given that those two humans are so different from other humans. I mean, yeah, most of our needs are similar, but personality-wise and our our desires and our goals and our values, those are very different. And I think this difference is very helpful for people who are not asexual, to to recognize in their lives like the romantic and sexual difference because usually a lot of the hormones related to sexual attraction fade away for most people and the relationship with sexual activity also changes throughout your relationship but if you are in tone with what you need romantically then you can understand kind of the different needs that you have not only sexual needs but also romantic needs. The third thing is a lot of people say you just haven't found the right person and I think that's the most hurtful thing to say to an asexual person no matter if they're single or in a relationship and you probably don't even realize that it is and why and I think it does come from a good place like you're probably trying to say that this is not lost for you and you have the capacity or or like you're a good person so you will find someone that will be good enough for you to unlock this thing for you.

If you're saying that to an asexual person you're basically saying that their identity is temporary that their self-knowledge is wrong that they haven't done enough research on themselves to understand themselves better and the world in general is just a phase and the other side of the world will be unlocked by a romantic partner and until that partner arrives you're basically incomplete you're never going to find the true love. Imagine someone told you you think you're straight but you just haven't found the right person of the same sex to actually like. You'd be confused probably offended because you know your own experience you know that you're straight right? Or in any other case if you're not straight you know how you feel about people and how you don't feel about people and you know who you feel towards right?

And saying to an asexual person that they just don't understand their own feelings is basically saying to you that you don't understand your own sexuality and feelings towards people. It's basically the same thing. I've been told this but like a thousand times or my mother was trying to find me boyfriends so I can fix the situation. It was hard and the thing is by the time someone says I'm asexual they probably did a lot more research than a straight person did on themselves and on their sexuality because it's not a given and it's very hard to find a term.

So, to be able to identify yourself with this, it's actually you probably have had a lot of experience and self-knowledge, probably way more than a straight person might have. And you probably experimented with quite a lot more things and you realized that based on those experiences, it doesn't really fit you. And the fourth thing that I want to talk about is asexual people can be in relationships and they can have so healthy relationships. And this comes from a lot of factors because sexual attraction is not everything of a romantic relationship.

And if you think that, then you probably will not have a healthy relationship in the future. A relationship that lasts long and is long-term and maybe not necessarily marriage, but just like a very long-term commitment towards someone romantic. It has to do with sexual attraction, definitely, especially if you're both sexual people. The more reason why the divorce rates are so high is because a lot of our society is just teaching us that sexual interactions and sexual activity is one of the main indicators of how a relationship grows and there's a lot of pressure on it, right?

There's a lot more of other things to a relationship and I've been in a relationship for like a year and a half, almost two, and I'm asexual and my partner is not asexual and it's been the best relationship of my life and I think he would say the same. And I think he would say the same, too. But a lot of people, when I tell them that I am asexual and I'm in a relationship, they usually look at me and they're like, "How does that work?" And then they look at my partner and they're like, "Oh my god, are you okay?

Or like is he not sacrificing something?" And I think you need to sit down and like look at how those questions might feel from my side. Because what you're really asking is, is a relationship without sexual attraction even real? Is it enough?

And the implication that you're putting there is that it's not enough. That you cannot really have a relationship without sexual attraction and that sex is probably the main part of a relationship for you, if you're actually asking these questions. And sex is the point of the relationship and that's definitely not my view on it. I have so many emotional interactions in the safe space that we've created that sometimes takes my breath away of how deep things can go and how comfortable we are with each other in every single moment.

I have we have intellectual connection, humor, things that we do that we only understand like ourselves. Physical affection is present, very present and very intentional. We always hold hands, we always hug, cuddle, closeness. There's a daily act of choosing each other even if we don't have this intense pull towards each other of sexuality.

Our bodies don't necessarily pull together, but our minds do and our hearts do. And this is something that I want other people to understand too, not not only asexual people because in most relationships physical attraction will fade away in time. That initial chemistry weakens over time and after 3 years you will basically have no hormones towards each other. And this is normal, your relationship wasn't really ever built on physical chemistry.

It was built on choice and compatibility and communication and connectivity. And for those things there's no expiration day. Physical connection, physical chemistry was there to keep our race going. This is the main reason why it's there, but all of the other things are to keep ourselves happy, to keep our connections with other people healthy and to grow.

Humans are very social animals. My partner is non-sacrificing and neither am I because we are both in very full and fulfilling and deeply loving relationship. And I think people saying that my relationship is missing something or that we are kind of sacrificing for each other says more about what the world thinks relationships should be like than anything about my relationship. And another thing that I want people to know is that the world is not built for us.

There's a lot of experiences in life that just don't match ours. For example, a lot of movies, almost all, have a lot of sexual interactions in their romantic lives. And for me, that doesn't seem like the right way to connect the characters. I would much rather have them sit on some grass, look at the stars, and talk to each other than have like five scenes of like being naked together and boohoo, you're together and you are in love.

There's a huge pressure in your 20s and I think I'm going to make a video about this on like you having to have a very sexually active lifestyle. And as an asexual person, you're probably going to feel so disconnected by all of these things and you're probably going to be pushed away people. I don't know how it is for men, but I assume it's so hard because there's so much pressure for men to have a sexually active life. So I I cannot even imagine.

But even in my girlfriend groups, my friends, whenever we would be talking about sexual things, they would just not tell me anything. Like because they just think I'm judging them or I don't understand them. The thing is it's not that I don't understand, it's just that my experience is just different, but I can be there. I can try to understand.

There's a lot of things that we don't understand about each other. Either way, that doesn't talk to each other about it. I don't think I'm advocating for a world where everyone should be asexual or asexual people should be integrated into society better. I'm just advocating for a world where everyone's relationships, desires, or just everyone's relationship can grow in different ways than society expects and is accepted as a beautiful relationship and is encouraged to be different from what we expect all of relationships to be like.

The best thing you can do is believe me. Because the hardest part of being asexual is not our own relationship with ourselves, but it's the world's reaction to it. Because whenever I say it, even online, there's a lot of hate towards it. And there's a lot of pressures.

And yeah, it's weird when you don't want something and everyone just keeps pushing it to you. I hope you enjoyed this video and if you have a friend that would like to learn more about asexuality, I think sharing it around if you agree with it is so important to build more awareness towards our different experience of the world. If you enjoy this video, I'm sure you're going to like this playlist, too. I made a lot of videos about asexuality.

If you want to learn more about it or identify with asexuality, I think you would enjoy this. I love you guys. Have a best day of your life. Kisses.

Bye-bye.