the glossary · word
what does demisexual mean?
demisexual
Demisexual means experiencing sexual attraction only after a strong emotional bond has already formed. Not preferring to wait. Not being careful or old-fashioned. The attraction genuinely is not there yet, and then, with one specific person you have grown close to, it is. It sits on the asexual spectrum, which surprises people who assume asexual has to mean never. The most common route to the word is realising you have never once felt anything for a stranger, and that you had quietly filed that under being broken or repressed. It is neither. It is a different order of operations.
how to tell
- celebrity crushes have always felt like something you were performing
- attraction, when it arrives, arrives for one person and seemingly out of nowhere
- the phrase "they’re objectively attractive" is one you use a lot, and it never comes with a pull
this one has a whole chapter under it. read: sexual attraction vs sexual desire →
what to read on this
- The Invisible Orientation Julie Sondra Decker the introduction. the whole spectrum of words in one place, demisexual and gray-a included, written for someone who has just found the term.
- Come as You Are Emily Nagoski the 300 page version of responsive versus spontaneous desire. it is how you tell "my desire needs a running start" apart from "my attraction needs a whole relationship first".
- Ace Angela Chen what the ace spectrum shows everyone about desire, not just ace people. the clearest writing anywhere on compulsory sexuality. the vantage point most of my videos are written from.
amazon affiliate links. buying through one costs you nothing extra and keeps this page free. every book i recommend →
also asked
is demisexual just wanting a connection first?
No, and the difference is real. Wanting connection first is a preference about what you act on. Demisexuality is about what you feel: the attraction itself does not turn up until the bond exists. One is a choice about pacing, the other is a description of the wiring.
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this is one of about thirty words i have collected for feelings most people never got names for. i send one a week, with the reason it works that way.
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