the glossary · word
what is alterous attraction?
alterous attraction
Alterous attraction is the desire for emotional closeness that isn't quite platonic and isn't quite romantic. Not friendship, not a crush, something sitting at an angle to both. The usual description is wanting to be someone's person without wanting the romance script that normally comes attached to that. It's a contested term and people argue about whether it earns its place. It is also the word that makes the most people go quiet when they first hear it, because they have felt exactly this and assumed the failure to categorise it was theirs. If it fits, take it. If it doesn't, make your own.
how to tell
- friend is too small a word and partner is the wrong one
- you want to be central to them, and the romance script feels like a costume on it
- you have described this to somebody before and run out of language halfway through
this one has a whole chapter under it. read: alterous attraction →
what to read on this
- Ace Angela Chen what the ace spectrum shows everyone about desire, not just ace people. the clearest writing anywhere on compulsory sexuality. the vantage point most of my videos are written from.
- Loveless Alice Oseman a novel from inside the spectrum, about a girl finding out she is asexual and aromantic and that a friendship can be the great love of her life. the one i wish i had at nineteen.
amazon affiliate links. buying through one costs you nothing extra and keeps this page free. every book i recommend →
also asked
what is the difference between alterous and platonic attraction?
Platonic attraction is friendship, and it fits inside the friendship shape without strain. Alterous is the pull that keeps overflowing that shape without becoming romantic. The clearest test is whether calling it friendship feels accurate or feels like rounding down.
come think with me
one word a week.
this is one of about thirty words i have collected for feelings most people never got names for. i send one a week, with the reason it works that way.
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