the glossary · concept
what is emotional intimacy?
emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy is the honest sharing of your inner world, the fears and hopes too fragile to say out loud, met by someone who receives it without judgment. It takes both halves, and that is where people get it wrong. In Reis and Shaver's model, intimacy is a process rather than a substance: you disclose something real, and the other person responds in a way that leaves you feeling understood. If either half is missing, it doesn't happen. Which is exactly how you can live alongside someone for years, be perfectly comfortable in the same room, and still not have this.
where it comes from: Reis & Shaver, intimacy process model ↗
this one has a whole chapter under it. read: the five types of intimacy →
what to read on this
- Hold Me Tight Sue Johnson adult love as an attachment bond, a safe haven and a base you leave from. the science of why calm is the signal and not the absence of one.
- The Loneliness Cure Kory Floyd the researcher on affection deprivation. skin hunger, and how to actually meet the need for touch that adulthood starves without telling you.
amazon affiliate links. buying through one costs you nothing extra and keeps this page free. every book i recommend →
also asked
how do you build emotional intimacy?
Escalating mutual disclosure, and a decent response each time. That's the whole mechanism, and it's what Aron's 36 questions demonstrate. Say one thing slightly more honest than you normally would, see how it lands, and go one step further if it lands well. It works on friends too, and almost nobody tries it there.
come think with me
one word a week.
this is one of about thirty words i have collected for feelings most people never got names for. i send one a week, with the reason it works that way.
no pressure, no spam, no gatekeeping. unsubscribe anytime · riadumitrescu.substack.com
all of this is free and it stays free. if it gave you a word you didn’t have, you can buy me a coffee.
sits next to
- comfort Staying because leaving is harder than staying. It feels calm because nothing is wrong, but nothing is really alive either. Easy to confuse with love, because love is calm too. The tell is direction: comfort is avoiding an exit, love is choosing a person.
- companionate love Intimacy plus commitment without the fire, in Sternberg’s model. The calm, chosen, long-haul love people keep mistaking for settling. It’s not the absence of feeling, it’s a different feeling: steady instead of loud.