a workbook · riadms.com
the seven kinds of crush
one word for seven different experiences, which is why it feels ambiguous. the seven, what each one is actually asking for, and the question that tells them apart.
hold one specific person in your head before you start, the one you are confused about. read each kind and write what is true about THAT person under it. more than one can be true at once, and usually is.
- 01
the romantic crush
you want to be chosen. the whole architecture of it: the being someone’s person, the long term, the future with them in it.
from me this is the one everybody assumes it is, which is the entire problem.
do you want the architecture, or only the person? write which.
- 02
the sexual crush
you want them physically. almost everybody treats this and the romantic one as the same thing. they are not: Lisa Diamond’s 2003 model has desire running on the gonadal hormones and attachment on the oxytocin systems, two systems with two origins.
from me you can love someone you are not attracted to, and want someone you do not love. that is the system working, not you malfunctioning.
if this one were removed entirely, would anything be left? write what.
- 03
the squish
a crush that wants a friendship. identical intensity, sometimes more: the rehearsing, the rereading your own message, noticing what they wore. no romantic or sexual intent at all. you want to be their person, platonically.
from me the word is silly on purpose and that is what makes it sayable.
picture being their closest friend for ten years and nothing else ever. is that a disappointment or a relief?
- 04
the aesthetic crush
you want to look at them. that is the whole request. you do not take a sunset home, and nobody asks you to justify being moved by a painting.
from me people find this one the hardest to believe, and it is the most common.
if you could only ever see them and never speak to them, would the feeling survive?
- 05
the intellectual crush
you want their mind. six hours of talking, then the whole night. the trouble is that from outside, being that interested in someone looks exactly like flirting, so both of you can misread it.
from me this is the one i feel most often and the one i have got wrong most often.
write the sentence you would say to make it clear it is their mind. it is usually shorter than you think.
- 06
the sensual crush
you want to be touched by them, not sexually at all. there is a dedicated system in the body for affectionate touch that is separate from the sexual one, so this is not a diluted version of anything.
from me somebody commented that it is how you feel about a dog, and that is exactly it.
what is the specific contact your body is asking for? a hug, a head on a shoulder, sitting close. name it.
- 07
the one nobody puts on the list
you do not want them. you want to BE them. admiration, aspiration, gender envy. it produces every symptom of a romantic crush: thinking about them constantly, studying them, noticing how they hold a room.
from me i spent years on people i admired and thought i was in love with them.
are you in the picture? if the fantasy is the two of you, it is one of the six above. if the fantasy is you, moving through a room the way they do, write what you actually want to become.
which ones are true about this person, and what does that change?