a workbook · riadms.com
love, or just comfort?
the two look identical from the outside and feel completely different from the inside. five honest questions to tell which one you are actually living in, with space to answer on the page.
this is a page to be honest on, not just read. hold your real relationship in your head as you go, the one you are actually in or the one you keep circling back to. read each question, then write the true answer underneath, not the nice one. it is only ever for you.
- 01
run the button test
imagine you could press a button and be single instantly, painlessly, with no fallout and no awkward conversations. if you would press it without hesitation, even if the hesitation is just "ugh, dating again", that points to comfort. if the no is "i would miss them, specifically", that points to love.
from me this is the fastest tell i know. comfort wants to keep the setup. love wants the person.
picture the button fully. would you press it, and what is the very first thought that comes up? write it down before you edit it.
- 02
notice who you tell first
something good happens to you. who do you reach for before anyone else? if it is them, instinctively, automatically, that is love keeping them at the centre. if you tell three group chats first and they hear about it later, that is comfort.
from me watch where your hands actually go, not what you tell yourself. the phone knows.
think of the last good thing that happened. who did you tell first, honestly? write what that says.
- 03
miss the person, or the routine
when they are away for a week, what do you actually miss? their specific laugh, their mind, the way they move through the house, that is love. just missing having someone there, the warm shape in the bed, the shared plans, the not-being-alone, that is comfort.
from me missing the person is love. missing the function is comfort. they feel almost identical until you name them apart.
last time they were gone, what did you miss, exactly? be specific enough that it could only be them.
- 04
check if you are still curious
do you still ask them questions you do not already know the answer to? do they still surprise you, and is the surprise your favourite part? or have you quietly decided you know everything there is to know about them? curiosity is love's vital sign. once it goes, comfort is usually what is left.
from me if you have stopped being curious, you have stopped meeting them and started managing them.
when did you last learn something about them you did not know? if you cannot remember, write that down too.
- 05
choose them, or just not leave
these sound the same and are opposites. choosing is active: i am here because i want to be. not-leaving is passive: i am here because going is too hard, too expensive, too scary at this age. love adds something. comfort just remains.
from me you can stay comfortable for years, it is sustainable, and that is exactly what makes it dangerous. it never forces the question.
finish the sentence honestly: i am still here because ______. read it back and notice which one it is.
so, which one are you living in, and what do you want to do about it?