a workbook · riadms.com
the night list
six feelings that come out after midnight, what each one is actually asking for, and one thing to do instead at 2am.
this is the page to keep on your phone for the next late one. find the feeling that is loudest tonight, read what it wants, and write the one line under it. nothing here needs deciding tonight, and that is on purpose.
- 01
dread
something is wrong, or about to be, and you cannot name what. so you start going through your life like a list. money, school, your body, the thing you said in march. what it wants is to be written down, not solved, and looked at in daylight.
from me the loop runs because your brain is holding it. it can let go of what is on paper.
write the thing down here, in the plainest words you have. you are not solving it tonight.
- 02
loneliness
in the day you are busy and people are nearby even when they are not with you. at night it is you and the ceiling. what it wants is not a person at 2am, it wants a plan for tomorrow. one message, to one real person, in the morning.
from me loneliness makes you watch for rejection, so at night it shows up already holding evidence. the evidence is the hour.
who is the one person you would text tomorrow, and what is the first line of it?
- 03
being behind
everyone has the relationship, the career, the apartment. you are the only one still working it out. at night you are looking at other people’s best moment from inside your worst one, which is not a comparison. what it wants is a smaller question.
from me "where is my life going" has no answer at 2am. "what is one thing i want to do this week" does.
write the small version of the question, and your answer to it.
- 04
nostalgia
old songs, old photos, the group chat nobody uses now, and suddenly you miss a version of your life you were not even happy in. what it wants is to be enjoyed and not obeyed. you can miss the whole summer without texting anyone from it.
from me people get more nostalgic when they are cold, and remembering made them rate the room warmer. it is your brain keeping you warm.
what are you missing tonight, and what is one thing about it you are leaving out?
- 05
the urge to send it
the text, the long one, the follow request, the voice note. this is the wanting going up and the waiting going down at the same time. what it wants is a timer. notes app, not the chat. if you still want to send it at noon, send it at noon.
from me almost nobody sends it at noon. that is the information, and you get it for free by waiting.
write the message here instead, all of it, then put the phone face down.
- 06
longing
not for anyone in particular, sometimes. just a pull toward being known, toward one person who has the whole picture of you. ask it one question: do i want someone to touch, or someone to tell?
from me wanting a witness is not the same as wanting a partner, and a friend, a sister or a journal can be a witness.
touch, or tell? write which one it is tonight, and who it could be.
what is the one feeling that is loudest for you tonight, and what is it really asking for?