a workbook · riadms.com
am i asexual?
a calm, no-pressure primer you write on. no label required. just the vocabulary and the room to hold it against your own life.
this is not a test with a result at the bottom. it is a page to think on. read each idea, then use the space to write down where it lands for you, in your own words. there is no wrong thing to put there, and nobody sees it but you.
- 01
the split attraction model
sexual attraction (wanting someone physically) and romantic attraction (wanting to date them, build a life) are two separate systems. you can feel one without the other, in any combination. that gap is the whole idea.
from me for me they never lined up, and for years i thought that meant my love was broken. it wasn’t. it was just a different shape.
when have your "heart yes" and your "body yes" pointed at different people, or shown up at different times? write what you remember.
- 02
asexual is not "no feelings"
it means little or no sexual attraction. romance, sensuality, aesthetics, deep love, closeness, all of it is still fully on the table. asexual people fall in love, have partners, and want to be held.
from me people hear "asexual" and picture something cold. i am one of the most romantic people i know.
which kinds of attraction feel loud for you, and which feel quiet? just make two short lists.
- 03
asexual is not low libido
libido is a drive, an engine that can rev with no target. attraction is a direction, a pull toward a specific person. you can have a libido and still feel no attraction to anyone. the two get confused constantly.
from me the question i always come back to: was there a before? a time it was there and faded (more like libido), or was it never really there (more like orientation)?
was there a "before" for you? write your honest answer, even if it is "i genuinely can’t tell".
- 04
the spectrum is real
grey-asexual (rarely, faintly), demisexual (only after a deep bond), and more. "sometimes, only under very specific conditions" is a complete and valid answer, not a halfway house on the way to a real one.
from me you do not have to land on the exact right micro-label. "somewhere on the ace spectrum" is a full sentence.
on a line from "never" to "often", where is your honest mark? draw it below, and note why you put it there.
- 05
you owe no one a label
a word is only useful if it helps you hold the feeling. if one fits, use it. if none fit, make your own, or use none at all. it genuinely does not have to be that deep.
from me labels are tools, not cages. you are allowed to try one on for a season and change your mind later.
setting the words aside: what do you want to be true for you? write it like a note to yourself.
anything else this stirred up